Toyota Says It’s Over With Tesla, Gives Old Things to Yellowstone

Photo: NY Daily News

Scion, come over here. Toyota has something it needs to tell you. Something about Toyota’s special friend, Tesla. As you might have noticed, Tesla hasn’t been by in a while. In fact, it’s been almost a month since we announced that we weren’t renewing our contract with the California dreamboat. It’s never easy to call it quits, and we want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. We’re sure Tesla loved the FR-S.

Anyway, now that the initial sting is over, we’re going to do what you always have to do after a break-up: purge the house of everything you shared together. Out with the scrapbooks and refrigerator magnets, out with the novelty coffee mugs and shared t-shirts. And most importantly, out with the electric RAV4 and 208 used nickel-metal hydride battery packs leftover from our Camry Hybrids. They’re all going straight to Yellowstone National Park where they’ll power the Lamar Buffalo Ranch field campus, lighting ranches and corrals for the buffalo we know give us the unconditional love, the acceptance that we thought…well, never mind about that.

You’ve never been to Yellowstone, you say? It’s lovely. Big skies. Geysers. We’ll take you and Lexus there soon, we promise. We’ll all go, maybe in the winter. The Holidays are always tough when you’re … when you’re … oh we’ll say it: when you’re alone.

It’s not all bad news, you see! Those battery packs will keep the lights on at the ranch for at least a year, maybe more. Think of all the good that’s coming from this! Forest was right, life is like a box of chocolates.

Of course, without regenerative braking or a gas engine keeping them charged up, the 208 batteries will need to be charged through solar and hydro turbines, so I guess it won’t be entirely smooth sailing for Yosemite, er, Yellowstone. We’ll probably help with that, maybe give them $50,000 since they’re really doing us a favor in all of this. But things will get better, you’ll see. You’ll see.